I really like to sleep. If I am being totally transparent, I have struggled with anxiety and intrusive thoughts for the majority of my adult life, and sleep is a bit of an escape. It takes me to a place where the worries and the thoughts I just can’t shake can’t touch me, even if just for a few hours. When I am asleep, I don’t have to carry the burdens of my day, I can close my eyes and in some sort of way, pretend things aren’t what they truly are. 

I’m sure then, that when I read the story of Jesus praying in the garden, I find myself identifying with Peter, James, and John. Yes, I have known the desperation of praying to God in the middle of the night, asking Him to take away my fear and fret. I have been so anxious that I cannot even control my own biology. And yes, I have felt let down by some of those who said that they’d be with me, even in my darkest hours. But If I am truthful, in the story we read today; Peter, James and John are my jam. 

Mark 14:32–38 (ESV) – And they went to a place called Gethsemane. And he said to his disciples, “Sit here while I pray.” And he took with him Peter and James and John, and began to be greatly distressed and troubled. And he said to them, “My soul is very sorrowful, even to death. Remain here and watch.” And going a little farther, he fell on the ground and prayed that, if it were possible, the hour might pass from him. And he said, “Abba, Father, all things are possible for you. Remove this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.” And he came and found them sleeping, and he said to Peter, “Simon, are you asleep? Could you not watch one hour?”

If I am guessing correctly, when the three men first sat down, they were hyper alert. Completely aware that something could happen at any moment. Their whole week had raised the stakes, and no one knew what was coming next. I’m sure they wanted nothing more than to just what Jesus asked. But after a few minutes, I would guess that biology took over. Their bodies began to shut down, and realize just how tired they really were – both physically and emotionally. 

It was probably then, that they began to give in to the siren song of sleep. If they could just close their eyes, even for a few brief moments, the troubles of today, of the whole week really, could melt away, even if just for a minute. And so like me, I am betting that while they knew what Jesus had asked, they allowed themselves a bit of reprieve, a getaway from reality – even if it meant that weakness had overtaken them. 

Then, Jesus’ voice had come like an explosion of disappointment. His questions, breaking the silence in a stark and startling way. Couldn’t they have stayed awake, even for Him? After all He had done for them, and all they knew He was going through – this is how they repay Him? I am sure shame started to take over. They probably stood, apologized, and steadied themselves for another go around. Jesus asked them once again to keep watch; 

Mark 14:38–40 (ESV) – Watch and pray that you may not enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.” And again he went away and prayed, saying the same words. And again he came and found them sleeping, for their eyes were very heavy, and they did not know what to answer him. 

I would guess it was now a bit embarrassing. Twice He’d asked, and twice they’d failed. I am sure they became resolute in their efforts. He was going away again, and this time, they couldn’t fail. I know the feeling of disappointing Jesus all too well, and I can’t imagine having to literally look Him in the face after doing it. At this point, I wonder if Jesus had any faith at all when He asked them a third time; 

“Just stay awake.” 

But still, they could not. For a third time, Jesus returns despondent and defeated. In that moment I am sure He wanted nothing more than to explain to them why all of this was so important. Why He’d needed that just one thing. Yes, He understood, but still. 

Peter, James and John are about to beg for forgiveness. They open their mouths to plead – when suddenly – off in the distance, what is that? There is a light. The sound of soldiers’ feet. It is getting closer, and now they couldn’t sleep if they tried. They are back to full alert. Peter puts his hand to His sword. James looks at John with terror in his eyes. What is going on? And in that moment they hear the voice of One they love call out; 

Mark 14:41–42 (ESV) – And he came the third time and said to them, “Are you still sleeping and taking your rest? It is enough; the hour has come. The Son of Man is betrayed into the hands of sinners. Rise, let us be going; see, my betrayer is at hand.”

What does that mean? What should they do? Was this their fault? If only they could’ve just stayed awake…